The baby crawls toward a toy and the older child shrieks “Mine!” and shoves them away. Parents can feel torn between teaching sharing and understanding the older child’s feelings first. ZERO TO THREE explains that focusing on “me, mine, and I” is a big and very normal part of being a toddler.

Why It Happens

According to ZERO TO THREE, toddlers are developing an awareness of self, so sharing can be especially hard. They know what they want and when they want it, but their ability to understand another person’s feelings or point of view is not fully developed, and self-control is only beginning to grow. A child may understand what “don’t take that” means and still struggle to stop an impulse. For a child with a new sibling, worry about having to share a parent’s attention can make guarding belongings feel even more important.

How It Looks at Different Ages

Around age 2, “mine” gets loud, and gripping a toy or shouting is common. By ages 3-5, children can state rules in words, such as “This is mine, don’t touch,” but when feelings run high they may still scream or push a sibling. The sibling’s age matters too. Friction tends to rise when the younger child starts crawling and grabbing, and it can get easier to set rules together once the younger child understands words.

What Helps at Home

ZERO TO THREE explains that when adults help children name their feelings and show them ways to control impulses, children learn over time to do it themselves. Begin by putting the feeling into words: “You’re upset because your brother touched your blocks.” Then you might try the following:

  1. Let the older child pick three or four special items and store them on a high shelf or in a box out of the little one’s reach.
  2. Treat everything else as shared and tell both children the rule consistently.
  3. Teach a phrase like “Wait, please” and the option to call a parent. As CDC’s guidance for ages 3-5 suggests, tell the child what to do rather than only what to stop.
  4. If a conflict escalates, gently separate the children, hand each a different toy, and help them play side by side.
  5. Set aside about 10 minutes a day of one-on-one time without the sibling to ease worry about losing attention.

CDC’s “Tips for Using Praise and Rewards” explains that specific praise makes a behavior happen more often. If the older child stays calm and says “Wait,” say so right away: “You were upset and still used your words. Nice.”

Common Parent Mistakes

Insisting the older child always give in because they are the big one can build a feeling of losing things to a sibling and strengthen possessiveness. On the other hand, accepting every scream can teach a child that screaming gets results. Remembering that sharing is a complex social skill that needs empathy, perspective-taking, and impulse control can help you slow down. Children tend to become willing to share more readily after they have experienced that their own things are kept safe.

When to Consider Talking with a Pediatrician

If the older child repeatedly hits or bites a sibling in ways that cause injury, if possessiveness and anger grow across daily life and last several months, or if sleep, eating, or daycare behavior change noticeably at the same time, it may help to talk with a pediatrician. This information isn’t a diagnostic tool and doesn’t replace advice from a medical professional.